Perseus – the hero

The story behind the constellations of Perseus and those of his group is an ancient tale that is usually told from the perspective of the hero himself. It’s his patriarchal privilege.

There were two brothers, Acrisius and Proetus, who always quarreled with each other. Proetus became infatuated with his brother’s daughter, Danaë. The creepy uncle thing was bad enough but then Acrisius locked his daughter in a tower after hearing a prophecy that she would bear a son who would someday cause his death.

Meanwhile Zeus was also infatuated with Danaë. He stared at her through a little window in the top of the tower, you know, while she was sleeping, eating… doing personal stuff. Zeus was a big guy and couldn’t fit through the little window so he rained on Danaë with a “golden shower” which I think means just what it sounds like it means. Danaë came down with acute pregnancy because getting pissed on by a god will do that. She named the baby Perseus.

Acrisius assumed that his creepy brother must have gotten into the tower and done the bed-spring boogie with Danaë. So he put both mother and child inside a box and set it to float on the deep blue sea. That’s how they did things back then. It was like “Hey, I didn’t kill them. They were still alive last time I saw them, sailing away with the tide.”

To get to the good part, they get rescued by a fisherman, Perseus grows up to be a bit of a klutzy hero, saving people here and there, cutting off Medusa’s head, killing grandpa with a discus, and generally seeking the proper place for a demigod in this crazy world. He eventually gets a date with the beautiful Princess Andromeda and, as is often the case, it’s all good until he meets her mother.

gsp1_08Queen Cassiopeia spent all of her spare time bragging about her hotness (remembering younger days I take it). And as everyone knows, gods always call for the Kraken to be released in such cases. They were quick to release things back then. They probably released the Kraken for parking tickets back then.

So up comes Cetus the Kraken from the depths. Cetus was hated throughout the realm. He would typically show up drunk, trash his hotel suite and leave without paying, that sort of thing. The queen’s big plan was to distract him by sacrificing the life of her daughter Andromeda. Sacrificing daughters was how a lot of problems got resolved in olden times. Besides, the queen thought Andie was a bit of a skank for dating Perseus. As for Percy, he’s still a total klutz but he manages to show up in time and save the day thanks to his flying horse Pegasus, who is the real hero of the story. This tale is way too old for copyright laws so you can make the movie however you want. I’d leave out the mechanical owl.

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